Clever Australian comedian Norman Gunston – (when interviewing then KISS manager Bill Aucoin on the 1980 tour) cheekily asked if the band wrapped the price receipt inside the package when KISS merch was sold. Amusing and not that far off the mark. Just when you thought it was safe to smash open your KISS piggy bank and count your hard-earned coinage, bankers $immons and Stanley are laying in wait with the tempting and weighty new KISS Monster book. Launched recently in the UK, this 4 foot book is yet another example of a band sadly out of touch with what their fans want. Were fans really crying out for an item like this ? I mean, didn’t Kisstory 1 and 2 said all there was to be said ? So what are the contents of this latest piece of KISS ingenuity ? According to the press release ‘a larger-than-life journey through 40 years of KISS, the greatest rock band in history!’. Greater than the Beatles or Stones ? Yeah right. Who the hell wants to see pictures of the two imposters ? ‘It’s an investment’ reads the press spiel. No, that would be putting your cash into a high interest bank account. ‘Each book individually numbered and signed by the band !’ zzzzzz. Back in the mid-80’s you could start your own crappy Kiss fanzine and had easy access to Gene and Paul, but that all changed in 1996 when they became superheroes again). Limited edition flag designs – choose yours now ! (sorry only ten countries available) – if you are a Kenyan or kiwi Kiss drone I am afraid you miss out….buy if you live in Norway and Russia you get a flag cover….but Spain does not ? Have Kiss ever toured the USSR ? Another bizarre decision from the brain of the tycoon toad bassist. “Three feet tall and two and half feet wide! As tall as a guitar!” screams the headline ! Talking about Spinal Tap. Ridiculous. Where the hell do you store something like this ? Guess you won’t be reading it on the bus ride to the office. Speaking of $immons, he has delved into his rich bag (ahem) of cliche’s to offer the accompanying quote “WHEN THEY SAY SIZE DON’T MATTER, THEY’RE LYING!” . His tired and worn-out one-liners are about as fresh-sounding as Kiss songs ‘Love Gun’ or ‘Shout It Out Loud’. I feel genuine pity for him nowadays. Thinking of buying one of these books ? Oh yes the price. How does a whopping US $4250 grab you ? Postage kindly included! Words fail me. Personally, I can live without this and would be far happier spinning ‘Alive !’ and looking through the enclosed booklet from that.
oh and I don’t want to say I told ya so, but I can only say that if their upcoming new album Monster, is anything like the first single ‘Hell or Hallelujah’ which was average at best, then Mr Rockbrat’s well-applauded prophecy – that this tired old gaggle of glam grandfathers should retire in 2012, will be accurate !